It’s waking up every ten minutes of the night with your heart racing and irrational ideas running through your head while you’re panicking, unable to inhale or exhale or swallow.
It’s sleeping at their place (or vice versa) to try and get some real sleep. It’s not being able to relax because you’re caught up in your head instead of being caught up in conversation with the person you love.
It’s feeling safe one minute, then feeling like your chest is full of nothing but air (which is physically painful) and you’re falling off a tightrope.
It’s always reaching for his hand. For some sort of physical contact. Because that’s your anchor to the physical world.
It’s questioning everything. Yourself, your ability to love, your face, your body, your voice, the sudden change in his voice. It’s questioning why. Is he lying when he says that? Maybe he just says it to make me feel better. Why does he like me when I’m like this?
It’s never feeling good enough, like you’re failing.
Deep down, you know you’re okay. You know he won’t up and leave. At least for now.
It’s feeling everything and nothing all at once.
It’s wanting to be numb. It’s wanting so badly to just be ok. It’s wanting to pretend you’re someone you’re not. It’s wanting to be ‘better’ for him. It’s wanting to relax. To chill. To calm down.
But you never can.
You never can be someone that you are not.
You won’t ever be able to shut your brain off.
Funny thing is, anxiety helps you find out who is really down for you. If he doesn’t love you through your battles, sleepless nights, and panic attacks, he doesn’t deserve the beautiful being that you are.